{"id":1080,"date":"2026-07-25T12:40:11","date_gmt":"2026-07-25T12:40:11","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/cityrelocationnews.com\/?p=1080"},"modified":"2026-07-25T12:40:11","modified_gmt":"2026-07-25T12:40:11","slug":"what-i-think-will-happen-if-i-go-to-a-bar-and-order-a-whiskey-neat","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/cityrelocationnews.com\/?p=1080","title":{"rendered":"What I Think Will Happen if I Go to a Bar and Order a Whiskey Neat"},"content":{"rendered":"
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\u201cOne whiskey, neat,\u201d I tell the bartender, settling myself onto a wooden stool. I can immediately sense, from the way he\u2019s fiddling with his long but tasteful beard, that he\u2019s attracted to me and intimidated by me in equal measure. When he hands me my glass, our fingers brush. He doesn\u2019t say it\u2019s on the house, but we both know that it is.<\/p>\n

Read more Questions I\u2019ve Texted My Dad, in Ascending Order of How Disappointed He Was to Receive Them<\/a><\/p>\n

\u201cI never do this, but can I take your picture?\u201d the bartender asks, sheepishly. I tell him it\u2019s no problem\u2014people ask me that all the time. He pulls out a 35-mm. camera and I pose with my drink. Later, when the photo is displayed in his first gallery show, he\u2019ll title it \u201cAngel in Black.\u201d<\/p>\n

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The bar begins to fill with the happy-hour crowd. As each patron enters and notices the beverage I\u2019m holding, they give me a reverent nod. One young woman, so daunted by the ease and maturity I\u2019m radiating\u2014and so humiliated by her own order\u2014whispers \u201cvodka cranberry\u201d to the barman and then starts weeping.<\/p>\n

Suddenly, the phone on the wall begins to ring.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s for you,\u201d the bartender says to me, without checking to see who it\u2019s for. He can tell from my general vibe that I don\u2019t have a cell phone.<\/p>\n

\u201cThought I\u2019d find you here,\u201d a gruff voice intones, on the other end of the line. I hang up. I\u2019ve already told Keanu a million times: if he wants me so badly, he\u2019d better come find me. I don\u2019t care what he\u2019s filming.<\/p>\n

I return to my stool and take a sip of my drink. I love how bitter it tastes and I don\u2019t grimace at all as it goes down. I notice that a woman has arrived with a crying baby. As soon as the baby locks eyes with me, he quiets down. The woman is relieved. She places a hand on my shoulder. \u201cYou\u2019re tough, but your heart is wide open,\u201d she says, without asking my name. I know in an instant that this woman and I share an intense astral connection. \u201cCute baby,\u201d I reply.<\/p>\n

Read more This Bouquet of Branches Will Change Everything<\/a><\/p>\n

We\u2019re interrupted by a man in a suit. \u201cYou,\u201d he says, making a beeline for me. He tells me that he\u2019s the C.E.O. of Arm\u00a0& Hammer and asks if I want a job in corporate. I make him wait as I take a slow swig, then I tell him I don\u2019t believe in big business. He completely understands and apologizes for asking. Before he leaves, he slides me five crisp hundred-dollar bills. I ball up the cash and slip it into the baby\u2019s fist. Money means nothing to me.<\/p>\n

An hour goes by, and I start growing tired of strangers approaching and asking, point-blank, \u201cWhere did I go wrong?\u201d I\u2019ve facilitated an amicable divorce, convinced a billionaire to donate all his wealth, and was just made a city-council member in a Utah mining town called Strawberry. It\u2019s time to go home.<\/p>\n

I ask the bartender for the bill. He asks me to marry him.<\/p>\n

\u201cI love you, but I can\u2019t,\u201d I purr, placing my empty glass on a cocktail napkin. I leave the bar. I never return.<\/p>\n

The bartender will pretend he doesn\u2019t care. But at every shift for the rest of his life, he\u2019ll stare longingly at the front door, pour himself a whiskey, and think of me.\u00a0\u2666<\/p>\n

Read more Whoopi Goldberg Was and Always Will Be the Whole Show<\/a><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Maeve Dunigan riffs humorously on the idea of ordering a whiskey neat at a bar and the class and status that implies.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":1079,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1080","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-interesting"],"yoast_head":"\nWhat I Think Will Happen if I Go to a Bar and Order a Whiskey Neat - City Relocation News<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/cityrelocationnews.com\/?p=1080\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"What I Think Will Happen if I Go to a Bar and Order a Whiskey Neat - City Relocation News\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Maeve Dunigan riffs humorously on the idea of ordering a whiskey neat at a bar and the class and status that implies.\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/cityrelocationnews.com\/?p=1080\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"City Relocation News\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2026-07-25T12:40:11+00:00\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"admin\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"admin\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"3 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\\\/\\\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"Article\",\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/cityrelocationnews.com\\\/?p=1080#article\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/cityrelocationnews.com\\\/?p=1080\"},\"author\":{\"name\":\"admin\",\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/cityrelocationnews.com\\\/#\\\/schema\\\/person\\\/3e7ce0c0c60d21e12a5ac61fb2b786d4\"},\"headline\":\"What I Think Will Happen if I Go to a Bar and Order a Whiskey Neat\",\"datePublished\":\"2026-07-25T12:40:11+00:00\",\"mainEntityOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/cityrelocationnews.com\\\/?p=1080\"},\"wordCount\":644,\"commentCount\":0,\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/cityrelocationnews.com\\\/?p=1080#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\\\/\\\/cityrelocationnews.com\\\/wp-content\\\/uploads\\\/2026\\\/07\\\/43e2c4e1e997fa28db55714d4b1d2c1c.webp\",\"articleSection\":[\"Interesting\"],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"CommentAction\",\"name\":\"Comment\",\"target\":[\"https:\\\/\\\/cityrelocationnews.com\\\/?p=1080#respond\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/cityrelocationnews.com\\\/?p=1080\",\"url\":\"https:\\\/\\\/cityrelocationnews.com\\\/?p=1080\",\"name\":\"What I Think Will Happen if I Go to a Bar and Order a Whiskey Neat - 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