{"id":1243,"date":"2026-08-06T12:34:43","date_gmt":"2026-08-06T12:34:43","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/cityrelocationnews.com\/?p=1243"},"modified":"2026-08-06T12:34:43","modified_gmt":"2026-08-06T12:34:43","slug":"a-mostly-true-history-of-marco-rubio","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/cityrelocationnews.com\/?p=1243","title":{"rendered":"A Mostly True History of Marco Rubio"},"content":{"rendered":"
\n
\n
\n
\n
\n

For a while\u2014like, the first thirty or forty years\u2014being Marco Rubio was somewhat normal.<\/p>\n

Read more Tributaries<\/a><\/p>\n

No one knows Marco Rubio\u2019s age. It\u2019s part of his mystery. So is his height. Look it up. No one knows.<\/p>\n

<\/div>\n

Also, you can\u2019t call him just Marco, or Mr. Rubio. It\u2019s gotta be Marco Rubio all at once, or kick rocks.<\/p>\n

I mean, he was a lawyer, with four kids, which one assumes poses the usual challenges. Still, he was just sort of a regular, ageless guy\u2014lawyering during the day, screaming at the kids to go to bed at night, and no longer having sex with his wife like they did in their twenties and thirties and even sometimes (when they drank) in their forties.<\/p>\n

Then, out of nowhere, he became a senator.<\/p>\n

Even so, things remained as bland as they could be, for a Florida senator.<\/p>\n

Next thing you know, he ran for President. His opponent? Donald Trump. Shit goes sideways.<\/p>\n

Donald Trump began taunting \u201cLittle Marco\u201d about surface stuff\u2014his boot heels, his floppy ears. Trump even attacked him for drinking water and sweating. You know, human things.<\/p>\n

Then, in a steely, strategic move, Marco Rubio used Trump\u2019s schoolyard style against him. He hinted that Trump wet his pants. He said that Trump used makeup to hide a sweat-stache.<\/p>\n

Anyway, it didn\u2019t work. Marco Rubio lost. Fully emasculated, he endorsed Trump.<\/p>\n

Now, to be clear about this next section: It\u2019s made up.<\/p>\n

Marco Rubio went home that night, the night he endorsed Trump. His wife exclaimed, \u201cWhat? After all those things he said?\u201d And Marco Rubio replied, \u201cHoney, I see a path. It\u2019s a crazy path, sure, but it leads to ultimate power. I just have to keep my head down and, like, have a sense of humor about all this.\u201d<\/p>\n

Marco Rubio\u2019s wife gathered up the children and left.<\/p>\n

Years went by, as did Trump\u2019s first Administration. Joe Biden became President, in a spectral kind of way. He once sniffed Marco Rubio\u2019s wife\u2019s hair (they had gotten back together). Actually, Joe Biden sniffed so much hair that it honestly might not have been Marco Rubio\u2019s wife.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

\n
\n
\n
\n

Marco Rubio\u2019s strategy paid off. Trump was re\u00eblected and made Marco Rubio his Secretary of State.<\/p>\n

Read more Hiroshima<\/a><\/p>\n

Looking around, Marco Rubio could tell that he was different from the rest of the Cabinet, which had a certain clown-car-crash charm. In fact, he sort of stood out for being normal. No one talked about how much water he drank, or his ears, or the fact that he had stopped aging, mysteriously, decades ago.<\/p>\n

Suddenly, Little Marco was dispatched to put out fires across the globe\u2014Ukraine, Palestine. Iran. Forget, for the moment, that they\u2019re mostly still raging.<\/p>\n

In a flex, Trump tried to bully the Pope, a man who more than 1.4 billion people believe can infallibly interpret the word of God.<\/p>\n

As an apology, Marco Rubio gave the Pope a glass football.<\/p>\n

Marco Rubio might have said something like, \u201cHey, sorry about all that. Here\u2019s a glass football.\u201d Nobody knows.<\/p>\n

But this next part was reported. The Pope, upon receiving the football, said, \u201cWow, O.K.\u201d<\/p>\n

That\u2019s the type of thing you say when you have no words. Marco Rubio left the Pope speechless.<\/p>\n

Donald Trump showered Marco Rubio with gifts. O.K., just one: a pair of shoes that didn\u2019t fit.<\/p>\n

Marco Rubio wore them anyway. There are pictures.<\/p>\n

Then the media started to say that Marco Rubio was, like, maybe the adult in the room. It\u2019s either him or J. D. Vance in 2028, they postulated. They sounded thankful that he was even there.<\/p>\n

Read more G.P.S. and the Lost Art of Getting Lost<\/a><\/p>\n

Even Marco Rubio couldn\u2019t have been prepared for that.\u00a0\u2666<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Christopher Gangemi takes a humorous look at the ascent of \u201cLittle Marco.\u201d <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":1242,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1243","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-interesting"],"yoast_head":"\nA Mostly True History of Marco Rubio - City Relocation News<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/cityrelocationnews.com\/?p=1243\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"A Mostly True History of Marco Rubio - City Relocation News\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Christopher Gangemi takes a humorous look at the ascent of \u201cLittle Marco.\u201d\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/cityrelocationnews.com\/?p=1243\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"City Relocation News\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2026-08-06T12:34:43+00:00\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"admin\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"admin\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"3 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\\\/\\\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"Article\",\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/cityrelocationnews.com\\\/?p=1243#article\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/cityrelocationnews.com\\\/?p=1243\"},\"author\":{\"name\":\"admin\",\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/cityrelocationnews.com\\\/#\\\/schema\\\/person\\\/3e7ce0c0c60d21e12a5ac61fb2b786d4\"},\"headline\":\"A Mostly True History of Marco Rubio\",\"datePublished\":\"2026-08-06T12:34:43+00:00\",\"mainEntityOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/cityrelocationnews.com\\\/?p=1243\"},\"wordCount\":655,\"commentCount\":0,\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/cityrelocationnews.com\\\/?p=1243#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\\\/\\\/cityrelocationnews.com\\\/wp-content\\\/uploads\\\/2026\\\/08\\\/1033ec5c57d686ebba637d106c79dbcf.webp\",\"articleSection\":[\"Interesting\"],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"CommentAction\",\"name\":\"Comment\",\"target\":[\"https:\\\/\\\/cityrelocationnews.com\\\/?p=1243#respond\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/cityrelocationnews.com\\\/?p=1243\",\"url\":\"https:\\\/\\\/cityrelocationnews.com\\\/?p=1243\",\"name\":\"A Mostly True History of Marco Rubio - City Relocation News\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/cityrelocationnews.com\\\/#website\"},\"primaryImageOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/cityrelocationnews.com\\\/?p=1243#primaryimage\"},\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/cityrelocationnews.com\\\/?p=1243#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\\\/\\\/cityrelocationnews.com\\\/wp-content\\\/uploads\\\/2026\\\/08\\\/1033ec5c57d686ebba637d106c79dbcf.webp\",\"datePublished\":\"2026-08-06T12:34:43+00:00\",\"author\":{\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/cityrelocationnews.com\\\/#\\\/schema\\\/person\\\/3e7ce0c0c60d21e12a5ac61fb2b786d4\"},\"breadcrumb\":{\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/cityrelocationnews.com\\\/?p=1243#breadcrumb\"},\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"ReadAction\",\"target\":[\"https:\\\/\\\/cityrelocationnews.com\\\/?p=1243\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"ImageObject\",\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/cityrelocationnews.com\\\/?p=1243#primaryimage\",\"url\":\"https:\\\/\\\/cityrelocationnews.com\\\/wp-content\\\/uploads\\\/2026\\\/08\\\/1033ec5c57d686ebba637d106c79dbcf.webp\",\"contentUrl\":\"https:\\\/\\\/cityrelocationnews.com\\\/wp-content\\\/uploads\\\/2026\\\/08\\\/1033ec5c57d686ebba637d106c79dbcf.webp\",\"width\":1280,\"height\":720},{\"@type\":\"BreadcrumbList\",\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/cityrelocationnews.com\\\/?p=1243#breadcrumb\",\"itemListElement\":[{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":1,\"name\":\"Home\",\"item\":\"https:\\\/\\\/cityrelocationnews.com\\\/\"},{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":2,\"name\":\"A Mostly True History of Marco Rubio\"}]},{\"@type\":\"WebSite\",\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/cityrelocationnews.com\\\/#website\",\"url\":\"https:\\\/\\\/cityrelocationnews.com\\\/\",\"name\":\"City Relocation News\",\"description\":\"\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"SearchAction\",\"target\":{\"@type\":\"EntryPoint\",\"urlTemplate\":\"https:\\\/\\\/cityrelocationnews.com\\\/?s={search_term_string}\"},\"query-input\":{\"@type\":\"PropertyValueSpecification\",\"valueRequired\":true,\"valueName\":\"search_term_string\"}}],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\"},{\"@type\":\"Person\",\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/cityrelocationnews.com\\\/#\\\/schema\\\/person\\\/3e7ce0c0c60d21e12a5ac61fb2b786d4\",\"name\":\"admin\",\"image\":{\"@type\":\"ImageObject\",\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/secure.gravatar.com\\\/avatar\\\/50b1ad2e498f523425ee0a8cc5180a210646db1622662a3d56cc405d3e0c346a?s=96&d=mm&r=g\",\"url\":\"https:\\\/\\\/secure.gravatar.com\\\/avatar\\\/50b1ad2e498f523425ee0a8cc5180a210646db1622662a3d56cc405d3e0c346a?s=96&d=mm&r=g\",\"contentUrl\":\"https:\\\/\\\/secure.gravatar.com\\\/avatar\\\/50b1ad2e498f523425ee0a8cc5180a210646db1622662a3d56cc405d3e0c346a?s=96&d=mm&r=g\",\"caption\":\"admin\"},\"sameAs\":[\"http:\\\/\\\/cityrelocationnews.com\"],\"url\":\"https:\\\/\\\/cityrelocationnews.com\\\/?author=1\"}]}<\/script>\n<!-- \/ Yoast SEO plugin. -->","yoast_head_json":{"title":"A Mostly True History of Marco Rubio - City Relocation News","robots":{"index":"index","follow":"follow","max-snippet":"max-snippet:-1","max-image-preview":"max-image-preview:large","max-video-preview":"max-video-preview:-1"},"canonical":"https:\/\/cityrelocationnews.com\/?p=1243","og_locale":"en_US","og_type":"article","og_title":"A Mostly True History of Marco Rubio - City Relocation News","og_description":"Christopher Gangemi takes a humorous look at the ascent of \u201cLittle Marco.\u201d","og_url":"https:\/\/cityrelocationnews.com\/?p=1243","og_site_name":"City Relocation News","article_published_time":"2026-08-06T12:34:43+00:00","author":"admin","twitter_card":"summary_large_image","twitter_misc":{"Written by":"admin","Est. reading time":"3 minutes"},"schema":{"@context":"https:\/\/schema.org","@graph":[{"@type":"Article","@id":"https:\/\/cityrelocationnews.com\/?p=1243#article","isPartOf":{"@id":"https:\/\/cityrelocationnews.com\/?p=1243"},"author":{"name":"admin","@id":"https:\/\/cityrelocationnews.com\/#\/schema\/person\/3e7ce0c0c60d21e12a5ac61fb2b786d4"},"headline":"A Mostly True History of Marco Rubio","datePublished":"2026-08-06T12:34:43+00:00","mainEntityOfPage":{"@id":"https:\/\/cityrelocationnews.com\/?p=1243"},"wordCount":655,"commentCount":0,"image":{"@id":"https:\/\/cityrelocationnews.com\/?p=1243#primaryimage"},"thumbnailUrl":"https:\/\/cityrelocationnews.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/08\/1033ec5c57d686ebba637d106c79dbcf.webp","articleSection":["Interesting"],"inLanguage":"en-US","potentialAction":[{"@type":"CommentAction","name":"Comment","target":["https:\/\/cityrelocationnews.com\/?p=1243#respond"]}]},{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https:\/\/cityrelocationnews.com\/?p=1243","url":"https:\/\/cityrelocationnews.com\/?p=1243","name":"A Mostly True History of Marco Rubio - City Relocation News","isPartOf":{"@id":"https:\/\/cityrelocationnews.com\/#website"},"primaryImageOfPage":{"@id":"https:\/\/cityrelocationnews.com\/?p=1243#primaryimage"},"image":{"@id":"https:\/\/cityrelocationnews.com\/?p=1243#primaryimage"},"thumbnailUrl":"https:\/\/cityrelocationnews.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/08\/1033ec5c57d686ebba637d106c79dbcf.webp","datePublished":"2026-08-06T12:34:43+00:00","author":{"@id":"https:\/\/cityrelocationnews.com\/#\/schema\/person\/3e7ce0c0c60d21e12a5ac61fb2b786d4"},"breadcrumb":{"@id":"https:\/\/cityrelocationnews.com\/?p=1243#breadcrumb"},"inLanguage":"en-US","potentialAction":[{"@type":"ReadAction","target":["https:\/\/cityrelocationnews.com\/?p=1243"]}]},{"@type":"ImageObject","inLanguage":"en-US","@id":"https:\/\/cityrelocationnews.com\/?p=1243#primaryimage","url":"https:\/\/cityrelocationnews.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/08\/1033ec5c57d686ebba637d106c79dbcf.webp","contentUrl":"https:\/\/cityrelocationnews.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/08\/1033ec5c57d686ebba637d106c79dbcf.webp","width":1280,"height":720},{"@type":"BreadcrumbList","@id":"https:\/\/cityrelocationnews.com\/?p=1243#breadcrumb","itemListElement":[{"@type":"ListItem","position":1,"name":"Home","item":"https:\/\/cityrelocationnews.com\/"},{"@type":"ListItem","position":2,"name":"A Mostly True History of Marco Rubio"}]},{"@type":"WebSite","@id":"https:\/\/cityrelocationnews.com\/#website","url":"https:\/\/cityrelocationnews.com\/","name":"City Relocation News","description":"","potentialAction":[{"@type":"SearchAction","target":{"@type":"EntryPoint","urlTemplate":"https:\/\/cityrelocationnews.com\/?s={search_term_string}"},"query-input":{"@type":"PropertyValueSpecification","valueRequired":true,"valueName":"search_term_string"}}],"inLanguage":"en-US"},{"@type":"Person","@id":"https:\/\/cityrelocationnews.com\/#\/schema\/person\/3e7ce0c0c60d21e12a5ac61fb2b786d4","name":"admin","image":{"@type":"ImageObject","inLanguage":"en-US","@id":"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/50b1ad2e498f523425ee0a8cc5180a210646db1622662a3d56cc405d3e0c346a?s=96&d=mm&r=g","url":"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/50b1ad2e498f523425ee0a8cc5180a210646db1622662a3d56cc405d3e0c346a?s=96&d=mm&r=g","contentUrl":"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/50b1ad2e498f523425ee0a8cc5180a210646db1622662a3d56cc405d3e0c346a?s=96&d=mm&r=g","caption":"admin"},"sameAs":["http:\/\/cityrelocationnews.com"],"url":"https:\/\/cityrelocationnews.com\/?author=1"}]}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/cityrelocationnews.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1243","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/cityrelocationnews.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/cityrelocationnews.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/cityrelocationnews.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/cityrelocationnews.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=1243"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/cityrelocationnews.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1243\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/cityrelocationnews.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/1242"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/cityrelocationnews.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=1243"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/cityrelocationnews.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=1243"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/cityrelocationnews.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=1243"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}