{"id":176,"date":"2026-05-23T13:05:53","date_gmt":"2026-05-23T13:05:53","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/cityrelocationnews.com\/?p=176"},"modified":"2026-05-23T13:05:53","modified_gmt":"2026-05-23T13:05:53","slug":"a-few-quick-thoughts-from-bridezilla","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/cityrelocationnews.com\/?p=176","title":{"rendered":"A Few Quick Thoughts from Bridezilla!"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Hey, besties! Thank you soooo much for agreeing to be my bridesmaids. I cannot wait<\/em> to be getting down to Sabrina Carpenter on the dance floor with you all soon! But, before that can happen, I just have a few little things I want to say, and boundaries to set, that should make my big day a breeze.<\/p>\n

Read more What Gets Kept<\/a><\/p>\n

CAKE: As you\u2019re all aware, I have a monster sweet tooth. (Danny sure learned the hard way not to get between me and my Nerds Clusters!) Hayley, I know you have that peanut allergy, but this is my only wedding day, and I am so sorry about this but I\u2019m going to have a pretty peanut-heavy menu. Peanut-butter cake, peanut-brittle fudge, and then I want to throw unshelled peanuts into my bridesmaids\u2019 mouths like you\u2019re big fat sea lions. We\u2019ve all noticed that you can be a real anaphylac-zilla, Hayley. But I\u2019m asking you just this once to eat the food I give you because I need<\/em> the photos of you eating peanuts while I spray you with the hose.<\/p>\n

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DRESS CODE: I\u2019m obviously chill with whatever the gals want to wear. I just have one simple request about my bridesmaids\u2019 dresses. They can be whatever length you like but they have to be a color I made up in my head when I was six and I will not tell you what it is, you just have to know. It\u2019s the color of the feeling of when my mom made me peppermint waffles and said that Santa sent them to me special because I was at the top of the Nice List. We\u2019re all going to be wearing it, so please factor in time to have your dress custom-made. No sustainable fashion, please<\/em>. No offense, but I believe children need to have suffered for dresses to be cute and that no one looks good in one that\u2019s tea-length.<\/p>\n

MY FAMILY: Please, y\u2019all, run some interference with my kooky family. I mean, I love them, but they are wild!<\/em> Jenny, I\u2019m going to need you to fuck my brother. I know you\u2019re married, but I promised him you\u2019d do it. He\u2019s disgusting and smells like tires, but I don\u2019t want him to give a speech. He\u2019s always covered in mud because he loves to curl up in old tires at the dump. He likes to pretend that he\u2019s a junk-yard dog and even wears a collar. If you love me, you\u2019ll fuck my muddy brother, babe.<\/p>\n

WEDDING VIDEO: I had this really fun idea that my bridesmaids and I could do a video together that we\u2019d show during the reception. It\u2019ll be of us, like, goofing around and maybe doing a choreographed dance, and it will be in the style of \u201cBoyhood\u201d in that we\u2019ll shoot it over the course of the next decade, on 35-mm. film, to better comment on the fluid nature of art and aging. I\u2019m gonna need you to talk to your bosses and take about sixteen years off work to prepare for this. Maybe sixteen years and four hours for you, Kelsey\u2014that adult acne isn\u2019t going to airbrush itself!<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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YOUR BODY: How do I put this . . . I want to make sure that you all look worse than me, physically. This can be achieved in a number of ways. Like, for example, you could get a horse to kick you, by taking away its carrot, or maybe you get a huge tattoo of Goofy with a distended penis poking through his pants, like a Tom of Finland drawing. Have fun with it\u2014I want this to be your<\/em> special day as well!<\/p>\n

THE MAYOR\u2019S DOG: O.K., I know this one is going to sound silly, but I have a sort of random request. The mayor\u2019s dog has been talking to me and telling me to do bad things\u2014like he wants me to kidnap the up-and-coming actor Josh O\u2019Connor. I\u2019m as confused about it as you are but I just kind of want my day to be as low-stress as possible, so, if you happen to see Josh O\u2019Connor, please just tie him up and I\u2019ll handle the rest. Thanks in advance!<\/p>\n

Read more How Raghu Rai Captured an India in Transition<\/a><\/p>\n

FATHER-DAUGHTER DANCE: I have been dreaming about my father-daughter dance since I was a little girl. Unfortunately, as you know, my dad passed away six years ago. But that doesn\u2019t mean I don\u2019t want him to cut a rug! As my besties, I\u2019m going to need you to dig up my dad and put a spell on him that makes him come back to life for at least, like, three hours, so we can dance to \u201cIsn\u2019t She Lovely\u201d together. I would prefer white magic, but if you need to use a curse or a hex, that\u2019s fine\u2014I\u2019m not one of those girls who gets all up in arms when her girlfriends use dark arts to resurrect her dead dad. I hate those girls!<\/p>\n

CIPHER: I have written a cipher that spells out the details of my next kill. Here it is\u2014please solve it before the wedding! aKJSpUVKukvzuXyUmKxRnXhyfCjEeEQfGpUxVBYHNpigXEUMtZAMmAKJdSFxhbYMGUhhk FqvvFQzdyYwCzWEDCSJTLrWTFXDVrw!<\/p>\n

PHOTOS: I can\u2019t wait for the bridal-party pics\u2014all of us lined up in a cute little row! Emma, I know you\u2019re pregnant, but I want my bridesmaid photos to be super uniform. I\u2019ve arranged a Pitocin drip for a few days before the wedding to induce labor so you give birth early. I calculated it, and your baby will be born at twenty-six weeks, which is super<\/em> viable. Most doctors say newborns can even breathe with their own lungs at that point, so it\u2019s no biggie! And the doctors who don\u2019t say that are just jealous of your hot little baby. We\u2019ll keep it in a warm box next to the buffet chafing dishes, and you can do skin-to-skin contact right after speeches.<\/p>\n

THE MAYOR\u2019S HOUSE: I want you to shoot the mayor\u2019s dog because he is talking to me too much. I\u2019m taken, after all!<\/em><\/p>\n

WEATHER: I want it to rain so I can get mad. If you love me, you will make this happen. \u2666<\/p>\n

Read more The Verve and Confrontation of Lisa Yuskavage\u2019s Naked Ladies<\/a><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Megan Amram parodies the sometimes outlandish requests of a bride-to-be.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":175,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-176","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-interesting"],"yoast_head":"\nA Few Quick Thoughts from Bridezilla! - City Relocation News<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/cityrelocationnews.com\/?p=176\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"A Few Quick Thoughts from Bridezilla! - City Relocation News\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Megan Amram parodies the sometimes outlandish requests of a bride-to-be.\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/cityrelocationnews.com\/?p=176\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"City Relocation News\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2026-05-23T13:05:53+00:00\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"admin\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"admin\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"5 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\\\/\\\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"Article\",\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/cityrelocationnews.com\\\/?p=176#article\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/cityrelocationnews.com\\\/?p=176\"},\"author\":{\"name\":\"admin\",\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/cityrelocationnews.com\\\/#\\\/schema\\\/person\\\/3e7ce0c0c60d21e12a5ac61fb2b786d4\"},\"headline\":\"A Few Quick Thoughts from Bridezilla!\",\"datePublished\":\"2026-05-23T13:05:53+00:00\",\"mainEntityOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/cityrelocationnews.com\\\/?p=176\"},\"wordCount\":1091,\"commentCount\":0,\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/cityrelocationnews.com\\\/?p=176#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\\\/\\\/cityrelocationnews.com\\\/wp-content\\\/uploads\\\/2026\\\/05\\\/388eca612a00f19e12e52c76154366f2.webp\",\"articleSection\":[\"Interesting\"],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"CommentAction\",\"name\":\"Comment\",\"target\":[\"https:\\\/\\\/cityrelocationnews.com\\\/?p=176#respond\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/cityrelocationnews.com\\\/?p=176\",\"url\":\"https:\\\/\\\/cityrelocationnews.com\\\/?p=176\",\"name\":\"A Few Quick Thoughts from Bridezilla! 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