{"id":279,"date":"2026-05-30T13:36:10","date_gmt":"2026-05-30T13:36:10","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/cityrelocationnews.com\/?p=279"},"modified":"2026-05-30T13:36:10","modified_gmt":"2026-05-30T13:36:10","slug":"i-work-from-home","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/cityrelocationnews.com\/?p=279","title":{"rendered":"I Work from Home"},"content":{"rendered":"
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911 OPERATOR: 911\u2014what\u2019s your emergency?<\/p>\n

ROBERT: Hi, I . . . uh . . . I work from home.<\/p>\n

OPERATOR: O.K., is anyone else there with you, sir?<\/p>\n

ROBERT: No, I\u2019m alone.<\/p>\n

OPERATOR: And when\u2019s the last time you saw someone else? Was that today?<\/p>\n

<\/div>\n

ROBERT: Uh, my wife . . . this morning, I guess.<\/p>\n

OPERATOR: Anyone else?<\/p>\n

ROBERT: I don\u2019t think so. Well, the mailman, but that was through the blinds. I don\u2019t know if that counts.<\/p>\n

Read more Bad News<\/a><\/p>\n

OPERATOR: I\u2019m afraid not. (Pause.)<\/em> I\u2019m going to ask you to open the blinds, O.K.? Let\u2019s go ahead and let some light in.<\/p>\n

ROBERT: How much light??<\/p>\n

OPERATOR: Just a little is fine.<\/p>\n

ROBERT: O.K. (Pause.)<\/em> I did it. (Pause.)<\/em> It\u2019s bright. It feels so bright on my face.<\/p>\n

OPERATOR: That\u2019s good. That\u2019s how it\u2019s supposed to feel. (Pause.)<\/em> I need you to tell me what you\u2019re wearing, O.K.?<\/p>\n

ROBERT: You know . . . just regular clothes.<\/p>\n

OPERATOR: Outside clothes or inside clothes?<\/p>\n

ROBERT: Hold on, I\u2019ll check. (Pause.)<\/em> Pajamas. I\u2019m wearing my pajamas. I could swear\u00a0I\u2019d changed into regular . . . I thought these were jeans!<\/p>\n

OPERATOR: It\u2019s O.K., sir. Calm down.<\/p>\n

ROBERT: Wait, this isn\u2019t even a shirt. It\u2019s just my skin! Goddammit.<\/p>\n

OPERATOR: So just pajama bottoms, then. Can we assume that you haven\u2019t showered today?<\/p>\n

ROBERT: I don\u2019t know.<\/p>\n

OPERATOR: I need you to walk over to the bathroom to see if your towel is damp. O.K.? Can you do that for me?<\/p>\n

ROBERT: I think so.<\/p>\n

OPERATOR: Great.<\/p>\n

ROBERT: I\u2019m walking over there. (Pause.<\/em>) O.K., I\u2019m here. I\u2019m in the bathroom. I see my towel . . . .<\/p>\n

(Muffled sobs.)<\/em><\/p>\n

OPERATOR: Sir?<\/p>\n

ROBERT: It\u2019s dry.<\/p>\n

OPERATOR: O.K., that\u2019s O.K. Let\u2019s get you back over to the window where the light is, all right? Walk toward the light. (Pause.<\/em>) What\u2019s your name, sir?<\/p>\n

ROBERT: Robert.<\/p>\n

OPERATOR: Hi, Robert. I\u2019m Cherise.<\/p>\n

ROBERT: Hi, Cherise.<\/p>\n

OPERATOR: You did the right thing by calling today, Robert. I\u2019m going to get some people over there soon to help you, O.K.? And I\u2019ll stay with you on the phone until they get there. Do you understand?<\/p>\n

ROBERT: I think so.<\/p>\n

OPERATOR: Now, Robert, did you eat anything today?<\/p>\n

ROBERT: Yes. Many times.<\/p>\n

OPERATOR: Are you eating now, Robert?<\/p>\n

ROBERT: I keep putting things in my mouth a lot.<\/p>\n

OPERATOR: O.K., can you tell me what food you\u2019ve eaten today?<\/p>\n

ROBERT: You mean everything?<\/p>\n

OPERATOR: Yes.<\/p>\n

ROBERT: I don\u2019t know exactly. I mean, I started out with breakfast before my wife left for work . . . scrambled eggs with toast and coffee . . . and then I think I maybe had a bowl of cereal when she left.<\/p>\n

OPERATOR: Is that it?<\/p>\n

ROBERT: Like an hour or so later . . . I had a banana with peanut butter.<\/p>\n

OPERATOR: Did you slice the banana?<\/p>\n

ROBERT: No. I dipped it right into the jar, because no one was watching. (Pause.<\/em>) No one watches.<\/p>\n

OPERATOR: So no plate or anything?<\/p>\n

ROBERT: No.<\/p>\n

OPERATOR: And that was it until lunch?<\/p>\n

ROBERT: No.<\/p>\n

OPERATOR: What else did you have?<\/p>\n

ROBERT: I made a quesadilla . . . another bowl of cereal, I think . . . and some pretzels, the flat ones that are like chips. I love those.<\/p>\n

OPERATOR: Those are good. (Pause.<\/em>) And did you have lunch after that or was that lunch?<\/p>\n

ROBERT: (Pause.<\/em>) I remember ham . . . lots of ham.<\/p>\n

OPERATOR: In a sandwich?<\/p>\n

ROBERT: No. No sandwich. Just ham pieces. (Pause.<\/em>) There were also some . . . spoonfuls of chocolate frosting, two or three . . . green peppers, I think, and yogurt. A large tub of yogurt. Peach.<\/p>\n

Read more My LinkedIn Photo<\/a><\/p>\n

OPERATOR: O.K., Robert, you understand that what you just described isn\u2019t really lunch, right?<\/p>\n

ROBERT: It is lunch. When there are no rules, it is lunch, Cherise!<\/p>\n

OPERATOR: Did you at any point dip the green peppers in the peach yogurt?<\/p>\n

ROBERT: Probably. Sorry.<\/p>\n

OPERATOR: That\u2019s O.K. (Pause.<\/em>) Now, Robert, did you get any work done today?<\/p>\n

ROBERT: I don\u2019t think so. I was supposed to make a deck for a meeting and I . . . I started it . . . I started the deck.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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OPERATOR: And then you stopped?<\/p>\n

ROBERT: The Internet has fun things for me to do . . . so I did them. (Pause.<\/em>) I think I played some guitar, too . . . oh, and I separated all the dimes from my change jar, which took a while.<\/p>\n

OPERATOR: Why did you do that?<\/p>\n

ROBERT: I have four hundred and seventy-nine\u00a0dimes.<\/p>\n

OPERATOR: (Pause.<\/em>) Anything else?<\/p>\n

ROBERT: Then I got sucked into watching a YouTube video about meerkats.<\/p>\n

OPERATOR: A documentary?<\/p>\n

ROBERT: Yeah. (Pause.<\/em>) And then that led me to . . . other videos . . . that weren\u2019t documentaries. . . . It\u2019s not important.<\/p>\n

OPERATOR: So you started to watch pornography?<\/p>\n

ROBERT: Yes.<\/p>\n

OPERATOR: You went from meerkats straight to pornography?<\/p>\n

ROBERT: That\u2019s right, yeah.<\/p>\n

OPERATOR: (Pause.<\/em>) And how long did you spend watching videos?<\/p>\n

ROBERT: It doesn\u2019t matter because I make my own schedule . . . you know? (Pause.<\/em>) Cherise?<\/p>\n

OPERATOR: I understand. Now, since you didn\u2019t get any work done, do you think you may have exercised today?<\/p>\n

ROBERT: I don\u2019t remember. . . . It\u2019s possible, I guess.<\/p>\n

OPERATOR: Can you look around the house for me and tell me if you see any signs that you may have exercised? Sneakers, gym shorts, ThighMaster? Anything.<\/p>\n

ROBERT: Uh . . . I don\u2019t see anything, I don\u2019t think. (Pause.<\/em>) Wait, I see a yoga mat.<\/p>\n

OPERATOR: Oh, O.K., good. Is it your yoga mat?<\/p>\n

ROBERT: No.<\/p>\n

(Sounds of hysterical sobbing.)<\/em><\/p>\n

OPERATOR: Robert? I need you to stay with me, O.K.? The E.M.T.s should be there shortly, and I\u2019m going to need you to let them in. Can you do that?<\/p>\n

ROBERT: O.K.<\/p>\n

OPERATOR: You mentioned a meeting earlier. What time is your meeting today, Robert?<\/p>\n

ROBERT: Four-thirty.<\/p>\n

OPERATOR: O.K., well, the E.M.T.s are going to help you get that deck ready and get you showered and changed.<\/p>\n

ROBERT: It\u2019s just a conference call.<\/p>\n

OPERATOR: Regardless. And they\u2019ll help tidy things up around there before your wife gets back, O.K., Robert?<\/p>\n

ROBERT: Thank you.<\/p>\n

OPERATOR: But, until they get there, no more eating and no more meerkat videos, O.K.?<\/p>\n

Read more When the Religious Right Came for Martin Scorsese<\/a><\/p>\n

(Silence.)<\/em><\/p>\n

ROBERT: I work from home.<\/p>\n

OPERATOR: Shh-shh-shh . . . I know you do.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Colin Nissan writes a humor piece about the travails of working from home, including constant eating, not exercising, and not being productive.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":278,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-279","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-interesting"],"yoast_head":"\nI Work from Home - City Relocation News<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/cityrelocationnews.com\/?p=279\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"I Work from Home - City Relocation News\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Colin Nissan writes a humor piece about the travails of working from home, including constant eating, not exercising, and not being productive.\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/cityrelocationnews.com\/?p=279\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"City Relocation News\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2026-05-30T13:36:10+00:00\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"admin\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"admin\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"5 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\\\/\\\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"Article\",\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/cityrelocationnews.com\\\/?p=279#article\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/cityrelocationnews.com\\\/?p=279\"},\"author\":{\"name\":\"admin\",\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/cityrelocationnews.com\\\/#\\\/schema\\\/person\\\/3e7ce0c0c60d21e12a5ac61fb2b786d4\"},\"headline\":\"I Work from Home\",\"datePublished\":\"2026-05-30T13:36:10+00:00\",\"mainEntityOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/cityrelocationnews.com\\\/?p=279\"},\"wordCount\":1092,\"commentCount\":0,\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/cityrelocationnews.com\\\/?p=279#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\\\/\\\/cityrelocationnews.com\\\/wp-content\\\/uploads\\\/2026\\\/05\\\/ab18f3c4743aec0037c7c06327f48c8e.webp\",\"articleSection\":[\"Interesting\"],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"CommentAction\",\"name\":\"Comment\",\"target\":[\"https:\\\/\\\/cityrelocationnews.com\\\/?p=279#respond\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/cityrelocationnews.com\\\/?p=279\",\"url\":\"https:\\\/\\\/cityrelocationnews.com\\\/?p=279\",\"name\":\"I Work from Home - 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