{"id":427,"date":"2026-06-08T15:38:02","date_gmt":"2026-06-08T15:38:02","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/cityrelocationnews.com\/?p=427"},"modified":"2026-06-08T15:38:02","modified_gmt":"2026-06-08T15:38:02","slug":"ticks-to-fear-this-summer","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/cityrelocationnews.com\/?p=427","title":{"rendered":"Ticks to Fear This Summer"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Gray-Legged Tick<\/strong>
Physically resembling a crossbreed of a gremlin and Stephen Miller\u2019s soul, the Gray-Legged Tick can be found wherever it is even moderately interesting to vacation in the Northeast. These arachnids hatch from eggs incubated in moist woodchuck feces, then affix themselves to the nearest dupe na\u00efve enough to leave the city. Although the ticks are otherwise harmless, note that, once bitten, you will smell of rodent diarrhea. Forever.<\/p>\n

Read more Inside the Creative Cavern of JR<\/a><\/p>\n

Red-Bodied Dog Tick<\/strong>
Has your idiotic dog wandered onto a bucolic patch of grass that hasn\u2019t been freshly treated with toxins? Then he may be carrying a Red-Bodied Dog Tick and her thirteen thousand about-to-hatch eggs. Once you have returned to the city, from which you clearly never should have strayed in the first place, the tick larvae will emerge, bearing grotesque little fangs. Who knows what they\u2019ll choose to latch onto? Your bed linens? Your sugar bowl? Your pubic hair? Best to wash everything in fire, just in case!<\/p>\n

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Mid-Atlantic Longhorned Tick<\/strong>
One brush with this guy and\u2014honestly, you don\u2019t want to know. Have you heard about that autoimmune disorder that renders people deathly allergic to happiness? You\u2019ll only wish you had that one. The good news is that there are several precautions you can take to avoid this virulent tick. When in sight of a tree, make sure to wear two pairs of thick socks\u2014pulled up over your pant legs so that you look like a complete asshole\u2014and meticulously spray your entire face with insect repellent. (To insure that it\u2019s effective, use only those DEET<\/em> sprays labelled \u201cWarning: Use of This Product Will Give You Cancer Immediately.\u201d) Male hikers, remember to always wear a condom beneath your undergarments\u2014otherwise the tick will make a swift break for your penis.<\/p>\n

Eastern Forest Tick<\/strong>
Examined under a microscope, this minuscule parasite bears an uncanny resemblance to your childhood bully, right down to its mullet and Van Halen T-shirt. It gives its prey an undetectable autoimmune disorder that makes the sufferer feel mysteriously enervated, able to summon only enough energy to ceaselessly complain to exasperated loved ones. Meanwhile, back in the woods, the tick that bit you will become a paragon of efficiency and sensuality, the merest drop of human blood acting as a potent m\u00e9lange of transcendental meditation, Bolivian cocaine, and praise from gorgeous strangers.<\/p>\n

Read more Kurt Vile Gets the Feeling<\/a><\/p>\n

Low-Country White Tick<\/strong>
Beware this diminutive smidge of unadulterated malevolence, which enjoys nothing more than creeping along the neck of an unsuspecting hiker who, for some reason, craved an expensive weekend of \u201ccountry air.\u201d Remember: the only sightseeing activities you should plan for your vacation are meticulous tours of your bodily crevices as you conduct hourly panicky tick checks.<\/p>\n

Hudson Valley Fox Tick<\/strong>
Although studies are still inconclusive, a growing number of entomologists believe that this tick is actually Adolf Eichmann, reincarnated into a billion little bastards and sent to Earth as an emissary of Satan. When the Hudson Valley Fox Tick finds you in nature\u2014and it will\u2014it burrows into your most vulnerable exposed body part, which will rapidly swell to a size scientists categorize as \u201coh-my-God-what-the-fuck-is-that?!\u201d Have fun locating a country doctor who will prescribe antibiotics within a two-hour window. Otherwise, you guessed it\u2014autoimmune disorder! Bid farewell to your carefree days of eating carbohydrates without the assistance of a steroid injection.\u00a0\u2666<\/p>\n

Read more Michael Arden Catches a Flight<\/a><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Shouts & Murmurs by Jay Ruttenberg: Physically resembling a crossbreed of a gremlin and Stephen Miller\u2019s soul, the Gray-Legged Tick can be found wherever it is even moderately interesting to vacation in the Northeast.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":426,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-427","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-interesting"],"yoast_head":"\nTicks to Fear This Summer - City Relocation News<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/cityrelocationnews.com\/?p=427\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Ticks to Fear This Summer - 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