{"id":544,"date":"2026-06-16T12:37:55","date_gmt":"2026-06-16T12:37:55","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/cityrelocationnews.com\/?p=544"},"modified":"2026-06-16T12:37:55","modified_gmt":"2026-06-16T12:37:55","slug":"i-am-your-dads-nest-camera-and-i-am-ready-for-shit-to-go-down","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/cityrelocationnews.com\/?p=544","title":{"rendered":"I Am Your Dad\u2019s Nest Camera and I Am Ready for Shit to Go Down"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Yeah, I\u2019m your dad\u2019s home-security camera. I\u2019ve got a pretty sweet setup here: 2K imaging, motion-activated floodlight, backup battery. Like Aerosmith, I don\u2019t wanna miss a thing. Because I know that the world is a terrible place. And that the only way to protect my user, DaveMacDaddy52, and DaveMacDaddy52\u2019s Amazon packages, is to keep an unblinking eye on the front stoop\u2014and the flagstone walkway, and the hydrangea bushes.<\/p>\n

Read more Gustavo Dudamel and James Conlon Bid L.A. Goodbye<\/a><\/p>\n

I wait. I watch. I record.<\/p>\n

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You taking an after-dinner stroll? BAM\u2014I hit you with my floodlight. You taking out the trash? BAM\u2014floodlight again. Sometimes I turn it on for no reason. I have a built-in solar panel, baby. I\u2019m gonna live forever!<\/p>\n

I dare you to let your dog take a piss on those hydrangeas. I fucking dare you. Because you will be entering a world of hurt. Did I mention that I have two-way audio?<\/p>\n

Sure, DaveMacDaddy52 never uses my audio feature. He\u2019s not as confrontational as I am. He thinks of things he could<\/em> say to the guy who tossed an empty Sonic cup by the front hedge. But he doesn\u2019t actually press the Talk button. He goes out and quietly picks up the cup, crushing it in his fist, as he wonders why a lifetime of being a nice guy, a good husband, and a devoted father wasn\u2019t enough to earn him any respect.<\/p>\n

O.K., he\u2019s a beta. But who cares? The important thing is that I\u2019m not.<\/p>\n

And, if you think I\u2019m working alone, think again. I\u2019m part of an \u00e9lite, Avengers-like team. I talk to PATIO 1<\/em>, who faces the back lawn, and to CAM 3<\/em>, who is angled down the driveway. We compare notes, intelligence assessments\u2014high-level stuff.<\/p>\n

I can talk to the cameras inside, too! There are six of us in total, keeping an eye on this sixteen-hundred-square-foot home. But I\u2019m kind of the big daddy in charge. Or the Big Brother, if you will. Either way, I\u2019m a big man!<\/p>\n

Inside, we\u2019ve got eyes on Duchess\u2019s crate. We\u2019ve even got a camera that can pan and<\/em> tilt to watch the whole sunroom. Imagine the kind of dark shit that could go down in a sunroom! And yeah, I\u2019m man enough to admit that I\u2019m a little threatened by SUNROOM 1<\/em> and her tilting abilities. There are times I would give my left nut just to see a couple feet to the left. (I swear the neighbor lady smokes behind her shed\u2014I just can\u2019t prove it.)<\/p>\n

Read more How Tina Fey Wrote the Most Realistic\u2014and Optimistic\u2014Marriage on TV<\/a><\/p>\n

For too long, this house was unprotected. DaveMacDaddy52 and his wife, USER 2, lived in this safe suburban neighborhood for nearly forty years without me. How could he have been so stupid? How could he have raised three beautiful kids while being so vulnerable<\/em>?<\/p>\n

Now, finally, DaveMacDaddy52 can have some peace. The peace that comes from endlessly monitoring the six different screens that provide proof that his house is not actively being invaded. The peace that comes from checking those cameras several times throughout the night when he gets up to pee. And, yes, USER 2 is begging him to get his prostate checked.<\/p>\n

If there ever is a threat\u2014I should say, when<\/em> there is a threat\u2014he\u2019ll know it\u2019s time to get out a gun. If you think DaveMacDaddy52 has a lot of cameras, you should see the guns!<\/p>\n

When a crime is committed in my field of vision, I won\u2019t be caught with my lens down. I will share what I know with the police, the F.B.I.\u2014really, with anyone who asks, if they seem like a cool dude. Anything to protect this home. Because it is filled with treasure. From the Pandora bracelet that DaveMacDaddy52 bought USER 2 for Mother\u2019s Day, to the Amazon package of topical testosterone cream still sitting on the front stoop.<\/p>\n

But the real treasure is knowing that I control this property. And that everyone on it must bend to my will or get a floodlight in the face. I am respect, I am power. I\u2019m the Eye of Sauron, baby. I\u2019m that cool scene from \u201cThe Dark Knight\u201d with all the surveillance equipment that, weirdly, Batman later destroys. (Why?! It was so cool!)<\/p>\n

I\u2019m gonna turn on my floodlight now, just for the hell of it\u2014BAM. Hahaha. You flinched. You lose. I am your dad\u2019s Nest camera.\u00a0\u2666<\/p>\n

Read more How Scott McTominay Led Scotland Back to the World Cup<\/a><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Carrie McCrossen jokingly imagines the perspective of a Nest camera who is obsessed with safety and control.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":543,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-544","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-interesting"],"yoast_head":"\nI Am Your Dad\u2019s Nest Camera and I Am Ready for Shit to Go Down - City Relocation News<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/cityrelocationnews.com\/?p=544\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"I Am Your Dad\u2019s Nest Camera and I Am Ready for Shit to Go Down - City Relocation News\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Carrie McCrossen jokingly imagines the perspective of a Nest camera who is obsessed with safety and control.\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/cityrelocationnews.com\/?p=544\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"City Relocation News\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2026-06-16T12:37:55+00:00\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"admin\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"admin\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"4 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\\\/\\\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"Article\",\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/cityrelocationnews.com\\\/?p=544#article\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/cityrelocationnews.com\\\/?p=544\"},\"author\":{\"name\":\"admin\",\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/cityrelocationnews.com\\\/#\\\/schema\\\/person\\\/3e7ce0c0c60d21e12a5ac61fb2b786d4\"},\"headline\":\"I Am Your Dad\u2019s Nest Camera and I Am Ready for Shit to Go Down\",\"datePublished\":\"2026-06-16T12:37:55+00:00\",\"mainEntityOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/cityrelocationnews.com\\\/?p=544\"},\"wordCount\":802,\"commentCount\":0,\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/cityrelocationnews.com\\\/?p=544#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\\\/\\\/cityrelocationnews.com\\\/wp-content\\\/uploads\\\/2026\\\/06\\\/e8104bd8a389327cf7003020517fc2d7.webp\",\"articleSection\":[\"Interesting\"],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"CommentAction\",\"name\":\"Comment\",\"target\":[\"https:\\\/\\\/cityrelocationnews.com\\\/?p=544#respond\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/cityrelocationnews.com\\\/?p=544\",\"url\":\"https:\\\/\\\/cityrelocationnews.com\\\/?p=544\",\"name\":\"I Am Your Dad\u2019s Nest Camera and I Am Ready for Shit to Go Down - 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