{"id":578,"date":"2026-06-19T11:34:48","date_gmt":"2026-06-19T11:34:48","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/cityrelocationnews.com\/?p=578"},"modified":"2026-06-19T11:34:48","modified_gmt":"2026-06-19T11:34:48","slug":"are-dads-getting-better","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/cityrelocationnews.com\/?p=578","title":{"rendered":"Are Dads Getting Better?"},"content":{"rendered":"
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You\u2019re reading Open Questions<\/strong>, Joshua Rothman\u2019s weekly column exploring what it means to be human.<\/em><\/span><\/div>\n<\/div>\n

A few years ago, I made a new dad friend at the playground. Although we\u2019d spent our childhoods differently\u2014middle-class suburbia for me, poverty in India for him\u2014we discovered that we shared a similar approach to parenthood. We both wanted to be hands-on, enlightened dads, unconstrained by outmoded manly stereotypes. Watching our sons play with trucks in the sand, my new friend recalled his father, who\u2019d been loving but also formal and distant\u2014content to let his wife do most of the parenting. \u201cI want to be connected to my kids,\u201d he said, squatting to distribute cut-up fruit from a Tupperware container. \u201cI want to spend as much time with them as I can.\u201d<\/p>\n

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At the same playground, I\u2019d once seen a father reclining inside the play-structure tunnel; he watched YouTube in the shade while his toddler daughter fended for herself. Another dad sometimes paced by the swings, coaching his son\u2019s performance in a permanent state of exasperation. In contrast, my new friend struck me as an especially attuned and gentle father. And yet all three dads, simply by being there, were representative of a larger trend. Many dads today are trying to be different, evolved, and \u201cbetter\u201d; they see themselves as part of an active effort to modernize fatherhood. Their efforts start with attention. \u201cSince 1965, partnered fathers in the United States nearly quadrupled their daily time spent with kids,\u201d Darby Saxbe, a professor of psychology at the University of Southern California, reports, in \u201cDad Brain: The New Science of Fatherhood and How It Shapes Men\u2019s Lives.\u201d<\/p>\n

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Like so much else in America, the experience of fatherhood is polarized. One in four children live apart from their fathers (\u201ca rate that has doubled since 1960,\u201d Saxbe notes, though it has fallen somewhat recently) and, six years after a separation, almost a third of fathers no longer see their children. But, elsewhere, father time has expanded dramatically, beginning even before kids are born. Expectant fathers often follow their partners\u2019 pregnancies closely; in many countries, including the U.S., it\u2019s become \u201cde rigueur for dads to witness their child\u2019s arrival,\u201d though half a century ago \u201ca man\u2019s stereotypical role during birth was essentially to hand out cigars to his buddies.\u201d As their kids grow, many dads continue to spend more time with them, in part because men are now \u201cbreadwinners\u201d in only about half of heterosexual marriages.<\/p>\n

This greater degree of closeness, Saxbe shows, affects men profoundly, not just emotionally but physically. Studies suggest that expectant and new dads who spend lots of time with their partners and children experience changes in their brains and hormones that roughly parallel what happens for women; the changes are greater the more time they spend. In new mothers, for instance, an increase in the hormone prolactin helps lay the groundwork for breastfeeding. But it turns out that prolactin rises in new fathers, too, making them more alert not just to their own children but to other people\u2019s. Neuroimaging studies have found that men\u2019s brains, like women\u2019s, shrink a little around the time when kids arrive: in both sexes, this is a form of pruning rather than atrophy, with more \u201cstreamlined\u201d brains contributing to the intense focus new parents can bring to the challenges of parenting. (Broadly speaking, the brain regions that change in fathers have to do with caring what other people think.)<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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Saxbe reports on research showing that dads generally have lower testosterone than non-dads; the more time they spend with their kids, the lower their testosterone goes. This is another change that makes them more dadlike. The anthropologist Lee Gettler speculates that \u201clow-T\u201d fatherhood is basically an adaptation to circumstances: when new dads are immersed in the work of parenting\u2014bathing infants and changing their diapers, or helping older kids navigate the emotional complexities of middle school\u2014it simply doesn\u2019t make sense for them to be \u201chormonally focused on competition and aggression.\u201d Conservatives such as Tucker Carlson have lamented a decline in testosterone among Western men, seeing it as a crisis. But the decline\u2014which Saxbe notes could be caused in part by obesity, nonsmoking, and other factors\u2014might also simply reflect the fact that lots of dads are spending lots of time with their kids. The more men parent, the more they transform, quite literally, into family men. Such fathers don\u2019t just act differently\u2014they are different.<\/p>\n

Does this make today\u2019s dads better? That\u2019s a surprisingly thorny question. In a chapter titled \u201cWhat Makes a Good Dad?,\u201d Saxbe draws on the work of Barry Hewlett, an anthropologist whom she describes as studying \u201cthe most hands-on fathers on the planet\u201d\u2014the men of the Aka, who live in the rain forest of the Congo Basin. The Aka gather honey and caterpillars to eat, and hunt much of the rest of their food. While living with the Aka, Hewlett found that fathers of babies had them within arm\u2019s reach half the time, often carrying them while working or socializing. \u201cMen might gather with a group of other men to drink palm wine, each of them holding an infant in their arms,\u201d Saxbe writes. Meanwhile, the fathers of the Kipsigis tribe, who live as shepherds in Kenya, \u201crarely feed, bathe, or dress their infants,\u201d and \u201cconsider it unmanly to carry a baby around outside the house.\u201d They understand masculinity as so incompatible with babies that \u201cfathers are not supposed to see their newborns for the first weeks after birth, lest they damage the infants with the \u2018strength\u2019 of their gaze.\u201d<\/p>\n

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When Saxbe asks Hewlett \u201cwhy the Aka are better dads than the Kipsigis,\u201d he takes issue with the premise of the question. He concedes that \u201cthe Aka are more hands-on,\u201d but argues that \u201cbetter\u201d is subjective. \u201cKipsigis dads support their families too,\u201d Saxbe notes. \u201cThey serve as protectors, providers, and role models.\u201d A comparatively hands-off father who is focussed on bringing home food \u201cincreases the odds that his child will survive past infancy.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0Good fathers in any given culture are the ones who give kids what they need to thrive within their specific world.\u201d<\/p>\n

What kind of world do we live in? For fathers, this question is caught up in further questions about the shifting role of men. People with widely diverging political views agree that \u201cmen are in crisis\u201d\u2014but their views re-diverge over whether men aren\u2019t manly enough or, in contrast, are \u201ctoxically\u201d masculine. (Dip into the manosphere and you\u2019ll think both complaints are true.) In his widely-read book \u201cNotes on Being a Man,\u201d from last year, the business professor and podcaster Scott Galloway surveys the challenges faced by men and boys. \u201cIf we can\u2019t convince young men of the honor involved and the unique contributions inherent in expressing what makes them male,\u201d he writes, \u201cwe\u2019ll lose them to niche, rabid online communities.\u201d They are growing up without social skills: nearly half of men between eighteen and twenty-five \u201chave never approached a woman in person.\u201d They are doing badly in school and in the job market. Misled by \u201ca parade of fake men selling distorted versions of what it means to be a man,\u201d they don\u2019t know how to act or how to raise boys to act well.<\/p>\n

And yet, simultaneously, many fathers are spending more time with their kids than ever. This contradiction\u2014men in crisis, men being present\u2014is part of our reality. Parenting has to happen regardless of whether you have all the answers, and so these many committed dads have all sorts of improvised theories about how to best approach their common task. Another researcher cited by Saxbe \u201cthinks contemporary industrialized societies are in transition\u201d between \u201c\u00a0\u2018high-T\u2019 and \u2018low-T\u2019 models of fatherhood.\u201d Anecdotally, I\u2019d say that, for all the progressive, feminist, \u201clow-T\u201d dads I know (and I\u2019d include myself in that group), I know an equal number of old-school, \u201chigh-T\u201d dads with more traditional outlooks.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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It\u2019s interesting to see where their approaches converge. Galloway\u2019s book is an attempt to conjure such a convergence: often, he articulates virtues that are fundamentally ungendered using rhetoric that makes them sound manly. A man \u201cprovides stability, support, love, and trust for his family, community, and himself,\u201d Galloway writes, and is \u201ca ballast that absorbs the dramas taking place around him without giving in to them\u201d; being a dad\u2014or a \u201cmale provider\u201d\u2014\u201cmeans making hard decisions on behalf of your family.\u201d Even as he writes about dads, Galloway tells stories about his \u201cstrong mother,\u201d showing repeatedly that her success as a parent revolved around the same kinds of good deeds. Is there anything uniquely manly about being a good father? Maybe not. Maybe a good father is just a good parent who happens to be a man.<\/p>\n

And yet one of the lessons of Saxbe\u2019s book is that fathers are embodied individuals\u2014not collections of ideas, but human beings with their own brains and internal chemistries. Looking around at the many dads I know, the differences among us are obvious. There are football dads and Lego dads, bookish dads and surfer dads, trans dads and gay dads, young dads and old dads. A father isn\u2019t just a parent who happens to be a man; he\u2019s a parent who happens to be a particular kind of person. It\u2019s inevitable, therefore, that we\u2019ll wrestle with what the content of fatherhood should be. We\u2019ll probably never agree. But if we can\u2019t agree about content, we can converge on form. Parenthood is a container. What matters is filling it with the best you have to offer.\u00a0\u2666<\/p>\n

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Joshua Rothman writes about a new book, \u201cDad Brain: The New Science of Fatherhood and How It Shapes Men\u2019s Lives,\u201d in which Darby Saxbe considers how modern parenting has changed fathers on a biological level.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":577,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[21],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-578","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-open-questions"],"yoast_head":"\nAre Dads Getting Better? - City Relocation News<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/cityrelocationnews.com\/?p=578\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Are Dads Getting Better? 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