{"id":636,"date":"2026-06-22T13:36:26","date_gmt":"2026-06-22T13:36:26","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/cityrelocationnews.com\/?p=636"},"modified":"2026-06-22T13:36:26","modified_gmt":"2026-06-22T13:36:26","slug":"the-pied-piper","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/cityrelocationnews.com\/?p=636","title":{"rendered":"The Pied Piper"},"content":{"rendered":"
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In 1284, the story goes, the Pied Piper visited the German town of Hamelin. He offered the residents a deal: for a thousand guilders, he would rid their town of rats. The townspeople agreed, and the piper began to play a lively tune upon his fife. He lured all the rats from their nests and led them to the river, where they drowned. But, when the Pied Piper asked the people of Hamelin for his fee, they would not pay. And so, to get revenge, he played a new tune on his fife. This time, however, it wasn\u2019t the townspeople\u2019s rats who flocked to him; it was their children. They danced toward him, unable to resist his haunting melody. He led a hundred and thirty boys and girls out from the town\u2019s walls, and they were headed for the river when they passed a McDonald\u2019s.<\/p>\n

Read more Dan Mintz, Reanimated<\/a><\/p>\n

\u201cCan we get McDonald\u2019s?\u201d a red-haired boy with freckles asked.<\/p>\n

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\u201cNo,\u201d the Pied Piper said, between fife puffs. He assumed that would be the end of it, but the other hundred and twenty-nine children had heard the word \u201cMcDonald\u2019s,\u201d and though they were still dancing\u2014captivated by his fife\u2019s spell\u2014they were also now all begging for McDonald\u2019s.<\/p>\n

\u201cThere\u2019s no way we\u2019re stopping,\u201d the Pied Piper said. \u201cWe wouldn\u2019t even fit inside the restaurant.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThere\u2019s a drive-through,\u201d said the kid with freckles, whom the Pied Piper was beginning to despise. And the children all chanted \u201cMcDonald\u2019s\u201d for so long that the Pied Piper eventually decided that the easiest thing would just be to fucking take them to McDonald\u2019s.<\/p>\n

\u201cA hundred and thirty four-piece McNugget Happy Meals and a large black coffee,\u201d he said into the intercom. He turned to the kid with freckles: \u201cDo you realize this puts me in the negative for Hamelin? I was supposed to make a thousand guilders\u2014now I\u2019m down a thousand.\u201d The kid ignored him. He\u2019d already grabbed the first Happy Meal out of the window and was ripping it open with his grimy hands.<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t like my toy,\u201d he said.<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s not on me,\u201d the Pied Piper said. \u201cI don\u2019t control which toy comes in which box. It\u2019s random.\u201d<\/p>\n

The child began to cry.<\/p>\n

\u201cO.K., look,\u201d the Pied Piper said. \u201cIf you don\u2019t like your toy, just trade with someone.\u201d But he immediately regretted saying that, because now all the children were running up to him, asking him to adjudicate their trades, like, was it fair to trade a Super Mario figurine for seven French fries, or a sticker sheet for barbecue sauce.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m not the trade police!\u201d the Pied Piper said. And then the freckled kid started to cry again, because he\u2019d traded a Bowser for a McNugget but had since eaten the nugget, leaving him with nothing.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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\u201cThat\u2019s what happens when you eat something!\u201d the Pied Piper said. \u201cIt goes away! That\u2019s how food works!\u201d<\/p>\n

And the kid cried harder. A lot of kids were crying, actually. Even though he\u2019d bought them all McDonald\u2019s.<\/p>\n

Read more Alexandra Grant Brings Spirit Back<\/a><\/p>\n

The Pied Piper wanted to drown the children more than ever. But they were still miles from the river, and he was getting sick of playing \u201cBaby Shark\u201d on his fife. And so he led them back to Hamelin, where the townspeople were waiting for him\u2014with his thousand guilders!<\/p>\n

\u201cThanks for taking them for a few hours,\u201d the mayor said. \u201cIt felt so good to get a break. I went to the gym, took a shower. It was unbelievable.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWe had sex,\u201d the freckled boy\u2019s parents said, looking startled. \u201cUnplanned. It was like being on acid. We just did it spontaneously. Then we cleaned our kitchen for the first time in a year.\u201d And a lot of other townspeople said a similar thing: that they had used the time to clean, because their homes were filthy.<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s probably why your town had all those rats,\u201d the Pied Piper said.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat rats?\u201d the mayor said.<\/p>\n

\u201cThe ones I lured away,\u201d the Pied Piper said. \u201cRemember? Yesterday?\u201d<\/p>\n

And the townspeople confessed to the Pied Piper that they had such mental fog from parenting stress and sleep deprivation that they were losing the ability to form memories.<\/p>\n

\u201cIf you don\u2019t remember hiring me,\u201d the Pied Piper said, \u201cthen what\u2019s the thousand guilders for?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWe want you to be our regular babysitter,\u201d the mayor said.<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t think I\u2019m qualified,\u201d the Pied Piper said. \u201cI\u2019m a ratcatcher. I also just tried to murder all your children using magic.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cO.K., two thousand,\u201d the mayor said. The Pied Piper agreed, and the parents were so happy that they stayed up singing and dancing until 9 P.M<\/em>.<\/p>\n

Most people believe that this story is just a myth. It\u2019s impossible, they say, that the people of Hamelin could have lucked into such an affordable babysitter situation. Because, if you do the math, it works out to, like, fifteen guilders a kid. And he\u2019s luring them out of town, which means they\u2019re getting exercise. And there\u2019s music, too, so it also counts as enrichment.<\/p>\n

We\u2019ll never know if the Pied Piper truly came to Hamelin. But if you visit today you will see a stained-glass window depicting two middle-aged parents having unscheduled sex in the afternoon. Some say it really happened. And, if that\u2019s true, who knows? Maybe, just maybe, it could happen still.\u00a0\u2666<\/p>\n

Read more Isabel J. Kim Makes Her Own World<\/a><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Shouts & Murmurs by Simon Rich: The man with the fife was good at getting rid of Hamelin\u2019s rats. 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