{"id":782,"date":"2026-07-01T10:38:25","date_gmt":"2026-07-01T10:38:25","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/cityrelocationnews.com\/?p=782"},"modified":"2026-07-01T10:38:25","modified_gmt":"2026-07-01T10:38:25","slug":"paul-reveres-unabridged-instructions","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/cityrelocationnews.com\/?p=782","title":{"rendered":"Paul Revere\u2019s Unabridged Instructions"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Sexton Newman, I won\u2019t beat around the briar\u2014the British are coming. Thankfully, your belfry is lousy with lanterns. If you follow my simple instructions, our noble actions shall inspire a portrait, a poem, and a Beastie Boys song. Here\u2019s what we\u2019re going to do.\u00a0.\u00a0.\u00a0.<\/p>\n

Read more The Fibre Fad Keeps On Moving<\/a><\/p>\n

If the British invade by land, light one lantern.<\/p>\n

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If they invade by sea, light two lanterns.<\/p>\n

If the British want a truce, light two lanterns and make them kiss.<\/p>\n

Light three lanterns if the British cancel at the eleventh hour because they are \u201cfatigued\u201d and need a night to \u201crecharge.\u201d O.K., though it\u2019s not like I can obtain a refund for the horse I rented, which cost extra because of the late hour.<\/p>\n

If you see my nephew riding on the horse with me, light four lanterns and conjure shadow puppets. And don\u2019t mail it in! Alexander loves those things.<\/p>\n

Light five lanterns if the British are coming by sea and look like they\u2019ve been working out. Be careful not to stack all five lanterns on top of each other, forming a lowercase \u201cl,\u201d which I will assume means land.<\/p>\n

In the same vein, do not stack three lanterns and then place two perpendicularly next to them, forming a capital \u201cL,\u201d which I will also assume means land.<\/p>\n

You know what, if the British are coming by sea and look like they\u2019ve been working out, light six<\/em> lanterns.<\/p>\n

Scream and drop a lantern if your steeple reveals itself to be haunted. But try not to startle Alexander\u2014he\u2019s been a nervous wreck ever since he learned about the concept of the Holy Spirit.<\/p>\n

Light seven lanterns if, in lieu of an invasion, there is another smallpox outbreak.<\/p>\n

Light eight lanterns if the British are invading by land, but running late. Don\u2019t let the wind blow one out, or I will assume it\u2019s smallpox, and throw out all my blankets.<\/p>\n

Are we sure this is the best way to communicate?<\/p>\n

Light nine lanterns if the British are invading by sea, but running late. Don\u2019t let the wind blow a few out, or I will assume they\u2019re on time, and that they\u2019ve been working out.<\/p>\n

Read more The Supreme Court Upheld Birthright Citizenship\u2014but the Fight May Not Be Over<\/a><\/p>\n

Eight if they\u2019re late, nine if maritime! That\u2019s a handy mnemonic device I just came up with. (I noticed you\u2019ve been hitting the Communion wine pretty hard of late.)<\/p>\n

If the British are catapulting themselves over the Charles River, light ten lanterns, and I will replace all the town\u2019s hay piles with big piles of manure.<\/p>\n

If the British are coming by, not to attack, just for tea and a chat, I wish they would send a letter first. Oh, light eleven lanterns.<\/p>\n

Light twelve lanterns and give yourself a mop-top haircut if it seems like more of a cultural invasion.<\/p>\n

I am not a superstitious man, but if you light thirteen lanterns, scores of devils will<\/em> rain hellfire upon this infant nation. Devils who\u2019ve been working out.<\/p>\n

Alexander has never cared for the numbers fourteen through twenty-four. If you light anywhere between fourteen and twenty-four lanterns, he will assume that you don\u2019t like him, and I shall abort the mission to tend to his emotional wounds.<\/p>\n

Twenty-five lanterns seems a bit much.<\/p>\n

If you have any good book recommendations, light twenty-six lanterns (one for each letter of the alphabet) and spell the title out. I am partial to erotic fiction, such as, \u201cThe Tricorn Tryst.\u201d<\/p>\n

However many lanterns you light, please toll the bell in the belfry the corresponding number of times. I don\u2019t see very well at night, and I hate the way I look in my riding glasses.<\/p>\n

Read more Searching for Survivors After Venezuela\u2019s Historic Earthquakes<\/a><\/p>\n

Immortality awaits!\u00a0\u2666<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Evan Allgood humorously imagines Paul Revere concocting increasingly elaborate lantern signals for Robert Newman.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":781,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-782","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-interesting"],"yoast_head":"\nPaul Revere\u2019s Unabridged Instructions - City Relocation News<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/cityrelocationnews.com\/?p=782\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Paul Revere\u2019s Unabridged Instructions - City Relocation News\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Evan Allgood humorously imagines Paul Revere concocting increasingly elaborate lantern signals for Robert Newman.\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/cityrelocationnews.com\/?p=782\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"City Relocation News\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2026-07-01T10:38:25+00:00\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"admin\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"admin\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"3 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\\\/\\\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"Article\",\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/cityrelocationnews.com\\\/?p=782#article\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/cityrelocationnews.com\\\/?p=782\"},\"author\":{\"name\":\"admin\",\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/cityrelocationnews.com\\\/#\\\/schema\\\/person\\\/3e7ce0c0c60d21e12a5ac61fb2b786d4\"},\"headline\":\"Paul Revere\u2019s Unabridged Instructions\",\"datePublished\":\"2026-07-01T10:38:25+00:00\",\"mainEntityOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/cityrelocationnews.com\\\/?p=782\"},\"wordCount\":661,\"commentCount\":0,\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/cityrelocationnews.com\\\/?p=782#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\\\/\\\/cityrelocationnews.com\\\/wp-content\\\/uploads\\\/2026\\\/07\\\/1c25db71f1a5261a9ff8d9f1b99606e7.webp\",\"articleSection\":[\"Interesting\"],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"CommentAction\",\"name\":\"Comment\",\"target\":[\"https:\\\/\\\/cityrelocationnews.com\\\/?p=782#respond\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/cityrelocationnews.com\\\/?p=782\",\"url\":\"https:\\\/\\\/cityrelocationnews.com\\\/?p=782\",\"name\":\"Paul Revere\u2019s Unabridged Instructions - 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