{"id":814,"date":"2026-07-04T12:07:39","date_gmt":"2026-07-04T12:07:39","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/cityrelocationnews.com\/?p=814"},"modified":"2026-07-04T12:07:39","modified_gmt":"2026-07-04T12:07:39","slug":"i-am-the-fireworks-man","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/cityrelocationnews.com\/?p=814","title":{"rendered":"I Am the Fireworks Man"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Hello, I am the man who\u2019s been setting off fireworks right outside your window for the past two weeks! Of course I am a man. I\u2019m so glad you popped your head out to say hi. I heard you asking me to stop at around 3 A.M.<\/em> and got scared, because 3 A.M.<\/em> is the witching hour, and I mistook your wails for those of a spooky ghost. Now that it\u2019s almost 5 A.M.<\/em>, I know you\u2019re no ghost. Because at 4:37 A.M.<\/em>, ghosts all have to go back to their ghost jobs. Yes, I believe in ghosts, and that they operate according to a very specific timetable, and that they have little ghost jobs and drive little ghost cars in their little ghost city. I guess it\u2019s more of a ghost town. So, yes, I think ghosts are real, but I am also the insane man lighting pyrotechnic devices outside your window at ungodly hours, so this should not surprise you.<\/p>\n

Read more Sublime Fury at the Ojai Festival<\/a><\/p>\n

I can hear you asking through my completely unnecessary orgy of light and sound, \u201cIs this a protest? Is this belatedly for the Fourth of July?\u201d I want to assure you that I have no agenda. I don\u2019t believe in anything other than that when I die, my consciousness will be inserted into a Bolivian dachshund named Pepito. He lives in a house full of animals in downtown La Paz. Pepito is alive now, and when I take over his body, his original consciousness will move to the cat\u2019s body. The cat\u2019s consciousness will move to the goldfish, the goldfish\u2019s to the parakeet, and so on and so forth. When I am in Pepito\u2019s body, I will be one of those influencer dogs who rides skateboards. I believe this because I am a man purposely setting off explosives in a residential area at four in the morning.<\/p>\n

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Through the wall of fog that my light extravaganza erects, I hear you asking what am I doing here. I am the Fireworks Man, and I do fireworks, man. I also do kids\u2019 parties, bar mitzvahs, quincea\u00f1eras<\/em>, and divorce. Fireworks Man is also divorced, man. But that\u2019s O.K.\u2014Helen and I never saw eye to eye, because I accidentally blew one of my eyes out while lighting fireworks at her uncle Chet\u2019s funeral. They all said, \u201cThere\u2019s nothing more distracting than fireworks at the end of a eulogy, Lester.\u201d But I proved them wrong, because there is at least one thing that\u2019s more distracting, and that is to have one of your guests blow his eye out at the end of the eulogy. And not even an important guest. The deceased\u2019s niece\u2019s boyfriend needs an ambulance\u2014how distracting is that? Not as distracting as the amazing amount of nonlethal gunpowder I ignite outside your window every night for no reason.<\/p>\n

Read more Ryan McGinley Tries to Photograph What It Means to Be Alive<\/a><\/p>\n

What\u2019s that? Sorry, I can barely hear you over that big explode-y firework I just set off that goes \u201cBoom!\u201d and then a few little ones just sizzle after. Why am I here? Well, long story short, fireworks were invented in China during the Song dynasty. Which explains why they go so well with music. Thank you for reminding me. I am now going to play the marches of John Philip Sousa, but since I am completely naked and armed with nothing but a matchbox and a satchel full of Roman candles, I am just going to sing them at you intermittently as I tell you my life story. I believe I was put on this Earth to light up some black-market bombettes outside your goddam window forever or until I leave this Earth in a magnificent display of light and sound that goes \u201cBANG!\u201d and \u201cBOOM!\u201d and \u201cPEW!,\u201d and then crescendos into a massive star of purple light with a golden center and small pirouetting green lights around it. And that goes something like \u201cBAZOOOOOOOOM!\u201d And when you\u2019re, like, \u201cOh wow, \u200bthat\u2019s<\/em> \u200bthe last one,\u201d I\u2019ll come out of nowhere with a couple of additional colorful explosions for about five to ten more minutes.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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I am the Fireworks Man and I live outside your window now. I\u2019ll be here tonight and tomorrow night and every night except next Tuesday, because I have to go to a thing at my sister\u2019s.<\/p>\n

Read more American Idols<\/a><\/p>\n

\u201cBOOM!\u201d<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Felipe Torres Medina writes a comical piece imagining a man who has been setting off all the fireworks in New York City during the coronavirus pandemic.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":813,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-814","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-interesting"],"yoast_head":"\nI Am the Fireworks Man - City Relocation News<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/cityrelocationnews.com\/?p=814\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"I Am the Fireworks Man - City Relocation News\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Felipe Torres Medina writes a comical piece imagining a man who has been setting off all the fireworks in New York City during the coronavirus pandemic.\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/cityrelocationnews.com\/?p=814\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"City Relocation News\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2026-07-04T12:07:39+00:00\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"admin\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"admin\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"4 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\\\/\\\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"Article\",\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/cityrelocationnews.com\\\/?p=814#article\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/cityrelocationnews.com\\\/?p=814\"},\"author\":{\"name\":\"admin\",\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/cityrelocationnews.com\\\/#\\\/schema\\\/person\\\/3e7ce0c0c60d21e12a5ac61fb2b786d4\"},\"headline\":\"I Am the Fireworks Man\",\"datePublished\":\"2026-07-04T12:07:39+00:00\",\"mainEntityOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/cityrelocationnews.com\\\/?p=814\"},\"wordCount\":765,\"commentCount\":0,\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/cityrelocationnews.com\\\/?p=814#primaryimage\"},\"thumbnailUrl\":\"https:\\\/\\\/cityrelocationnews.com\\\/wp-content\\\/uploads\\\/2026\\\/07\\\/83b3168deebb0245789798b57bb7934d.webp\",\"articleSection\":[\"Interesting\"],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"CommentAction\",\"name\":\"Comment\",\"target\":[\"https:\\\/\\\/cityrelocationnews.com\\\/?p=814#respond\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\\\/\\\/cityrelocationnews.com\\\/?p=814\",\"url\":\"https:\\\/\\\/cityrelocationnews.com\\\/?p=814\",\"name\":\"I Am the Fireworks Man - 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