{"id":816,"date":"2026-07-04T12:37:56","date_gmt":"2026-07-04T12:37:56","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/cityrelocationnews.com\/?p=816"},"modified":"2026-07-04T12:37:56","modified_gmt":"2026-07-04T12:37:56","slug":"the-most-american-recipes-for-your-fourth-of-july-cookout","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/cityrelocationnews.com\/?p=816","title":{"rendered":"The Most American Recipes for Your Fourth of July Cookout"},"content":{"rendered":"<div>\n<div>\n<div>\n<div>\n<div>\n<h2>All-American Burgers<\/h2>\n<div>Ingredients<\/div>\n<ul>\n<li>Ground chuck, formed into patties<\/li>\n<li>American cheese (technically \u201ccheese product\u201d), the most orange you can find<\/li>\n<li>Salt and pepper<\/li>\n<li>Male confidence<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<div>Instructions<\/div>\n<p>Set up two (2) grills: one operated by a woman who is a professional chef, the other operated by a man who owns a bankrupt roofing company.<\/p>\n<p>Read more <a href=\"https:\/\/cityrelocationnews.com\/?p=814\">I Am the Fireworks Man<\/a><\/p>\n<div><\/div>\n<p>Watch as your father-in-law gets a burger prepared by the man because \u201cyou know what you\u2019re gonna get with him.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Eat three (3) cheeseburgers so your mouth is too full to argue.<\/p>\n<h2>Electoral College Vegan Dogs<\/h2>\n<div>Ingredients<\/div>\n<ul>\n<li>Approximately one thousand (1,000) seitan \u201chot dogs\u201d<\/li>\n<li>Exactly one (1) person who is going to eat these gross things<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<div>Instructions<\/div>\n<p>In a poorly thought-out attempt at checking the power of the majority, let Rebecca\u2019s smelly vegan boyfriend\u2014named Sparrow, or maybe Falcon?\u2014be responsible for one (1) whole dish.<\/p>\n<p>Try to dupe third-tier friends who continue to post daily pro-Bernie screeds on Facebook into trying the garbage \u201chot dogs,\u201d after it becomes clear that your dog won\u2019t even touch them.<\/p>\n<h2>Texas-Style Guacamole<\/h2>\n<div>Ingredients<\/div>\n<ul>\n<li>2 ripe avocados<\/li>\n<li>1 red onion<\/li>\n<li>1-3 white Texans<\/li>\n<li>1 tomato<\/li>\n<li>A dash of cayenne, just to give it a little kick\u2014or, as the non-Spanish-speaking Texans say, \u201cmake it caliente\u201d<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<div>Instructions<\/div>\n<p>While preparing the guacamole (your standard chopping and mushing), listen to the white Texans talk about how much they love Mexican food and how Texas really has the best Mexican food out there. You haven\u2019t had Mexican food till you\u2019ve been to Texas!<\/p>\n<p>Listen to those same white Texans talk about how excited they are to build a wall to keep out all the Mexicans.<\/p>\n<h2>Public-School Vegetables<\/h2>\n<div>Ingredients<\/div>\n<ul>\n<li>Ketchup<\/li>\n<li>Salsa<\/li>\n<li>Mustard? That comes from a seed, right?<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<div>Instructions<\/div>\n<p>Realize too late that you should have made a salad or something to accompany the huge pile of meat and bread that you and your guests will consume.<\/p>\n<p>Read more <a href=\"https:\/\/cityrelocationnews.com\/?p=812\">Sublime Fury at the Ojai Festival<\/a><\/p>\n<p>Pretend that eating two (2) of your three (3) cheeseburgers standing up means that you\u2019ve already burned off most of the calories.<\/p>\n<p>Listen to your father-in-law talk about how people on welfare should be drug-tested while he has his fourth burger and eighth beer.<\/p>\n<h2>Ice-Cream Sandwich <em>or<\/em> a Rolled-Up Piece of Bologna<\/h2>\n<div>Ingredients<\/div>\n<ul>\n<li>Nowhere near enough ice-cream sandwiches<\/li>\n<li>A whole bunch of bologna<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<div>Instructions<\/div>\n<p>Spend months listening to friends talk about how much they love ice-cream sandwiches and how desperate they are to have one.<\/p>\n<p>Run out of ice-cream sandwiches before any of these people can have one.<\/p>\n<p>Offer an alternative, but similar, dessert like a King Cone and then watch these ice-cream-sandwich diehards decide that they refuse to support such a monocratic ice-cream treat. No, they\u2019re going to eat the weird bologna tubes that Gary brought because that\u2019s how much they care. #neverkingcone<\/p>\n<h2>Alcohol, Oh, So Much Alcohol<\/h2>\n<div>Ingredients<\/div>\n<ul>\n<li>9 bottles of wine<\/li>\n<li>60 beers<\/li>\n<li>1 water bottle full of vodka, <em>shh<\/em><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<div>Instructions<\/div>\n<p>Hide from everyone and drink by yourself.<\/p>\n<p>Take solace in the fact that this election will be over before Thanksgiving.<\/p>\n<p>Go set off some fireworks and listen to your father-in-law talk about the Second Amendment.\u00a0\u2666<\/p>\n<p>Read more <a href=\"https:\/\/cityrelocationnews.com\/?p=810\">Ryan McGinley Tries to Photograph What It Means to Be Alive<\/a><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Susanna Wolff proposes humorous recipes for your Fourth of July cookout.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":815,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-816","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-interesting"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v27.6 - 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