Freelance Headlines Stupid Onion Editor Rejected

College Grad Escapes
Vicious Learning Cycle

Date Lectures Man
On Racist History
Of “Going Dutch”

Man Laughs Just
Right Amount at
Job Interview

Boyfriend Saving
First “I Love You”
For Emergency

Woman Insists
On Proposal Do-Over
Just Because He Forgot
Ring, Her Name

Groom Sees Omen
In Bride’s Grammy
Leaving Teeth
In His Beer

Honeymoon Ruined
By Too Much
“Lovey-Dovey” Stuff

Man’s Socks,
Underwear,
Favorite Shirt
Lost in Dryer

Married Man Still
Able to Drink at
Collegiate Level

New Father Who
Witnessed Miracle of Birth Not Tapping
That Again

Man Loses Job
Over Handful of
Benign Remarks

Santa Expands List to
Include Naughty,
Nice, and
Too Nice

Sloppy Eater Dog’s
New Best Friend

Trad Wives Give
Better Blow Jobs,
Experts Say

Second Baby
Redder Than First,
Dad Observes
From Chair

Sister-in-Law
Keeps Harping On
Toilet Incident

Man Cave Established
In Car in Driveway

Husband Furious Wife
Won’t Let Him Swap Out
Free-Sex-Pass Celebrity
Who Got Old

Honey-Do Jar
Bursts Into Flames

Man Did Not Drink
Too Often Much

Tooth Fairy
Just Forgot,
O.K.?

Son Saying “Dad”
With Less Conviction
These Days

Dad Abdicates Marriage,
Mom Vows Changes
Around Here

Divorced Man’s
Trusty Pick-Up Bar
Now a Chicken Place

Late-Night Cheese Snack
Not Cheese, E.R. Doctors
Determine

All Man’s Old
College Girlfriends
Are Lesbians
Now

Ex-Wife Dating
Probable Mobster,
Pedophile

Daughter Doesn’t
Wait Until Marriage
To Change Surname

Divorced Man
Shocked to Discover
Cunnilingus Mandatory

All of a Sudden
Man Fired Because
Boss’s Kid
Also a Retard

Man’s Life
Not Worth Living,
Goes On Anyway

Onion Rejects
Funny Man’s
10,000th Headline

Ex-Wife Finds
Man’s Death
Hilarious ♦