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Two-Piece
You’re fine with sunburning your midriff.
One-Piece with Flirty Cutouts
You’re fine with sunburning a few awkward little squares on your lower back.
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No-Nonsense One-Piece Racerback
You learned how to swim at a Y.M.C.A., and a boa-constrictor-compression solid-black Speedo is all you know.
Yellow Polka-Dot Bikini
You were deeply affected by a Yoplait Light commercial as a youth and consider this suit to be the physical manifestation of confidence. You long for the days when yogurt was the main thing being advertised in the weight-loss space.
Lots of Strings
You don’t own a cat.
Lots of Strings, Some Frayed or Missing
You do own a cat. Check under your couch for lost strings.
Strapless
You like to live dangerously.
Jean Shorts and a Cute Top
You just got pushed into the pool, and, DAMN IT—your phone was in your pocket!
Zebra-Striped
You heard that zebra stripes repel sharks, which is technically irrelevant because you only ever swim in an above-ground pool in a landlocked state.
Victoria’s Secret Bombshell Cut
You bought this in the seventh grade against your mom’s wishes, and, twenty-some years later, it actually somewhat fits—that’s called smart investing!
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A Tricorn Hat and a Jacket with Brass Buttons
You are a pirate going down with your ship. Goodnight, sailor.
Lily Pulitzer Sundress and Tory Burch Sandals
You openly judge anyone who isn’t wearing the “right” kind of swimwear for their age and body type. You are a moral paragon (according to you). Everyone loves spending time with you at the pool (also according to you). Take a deep breath and get ready to yell, “NO ROUGHHOUSING IN THE POOL!”
Board Shorts and a Puka-Shell Necklace
You watched “Blue Crush” in 2002 and have been pretending to be a surfer ever since. You smell like an Abercrombie & Fitch store in a mall.
Full-Body Wetsuit
You’re actually a surfer. And you want everybody to know it.
Red “Baywatch” One-Piece
You still haven’t gotten over failing the lifeguard test that one summer in high school, and blame all of your life’s shortcomings on that fateful day in the pool when you were just ten measly seconds shy of treading water long enough to make the squad. All of your friends became lifeguards, and they got the best suntans and the juiciest gossip, even though you know for a fact that you were better at C.P.R. than Casey. Sure, she could tread water seemingly forever, but her chest compressions were weak as hell. Making the best of a bad situation, you still went to the pool every day to hang out with your lifeguard friends, even though it was clear that you weren’t really “with them” anymore. And when they’d all go to the lifeguard lounge together during their fifteen-minute breaks, you were left sitting on your towel, alone, miserably munching on the soggy concession-stand nachos that you had to pay for with babysitting money.
Lime-Green Thong Mankini
You’re looking for a husband, someone with a sense of humor who does a good Borat impression.
Read more A “12 Inch Pianist” Walks Into a Bar
Nothing
You’re in Europe, you lucky bastard. ♦